The candles, the cake, the knot

It’s the candles, we light ours.

Mine is white, mine are red.

Ours are dragon and phoenix, yours is a white candle stick.

It’s the cakes we cut.

The flavor your lips have not touched.

1 for the first, another for fifty seventh.

We cut and sliced.

It’s the gather around the pig.

The hunters, the gardeners, the collectors.

The fools and wise. The loved and the not yet ready.

It’s the dress that is red and is white.

The colors of pride and of prejudice passed on with every candle, cake, and dress.

It’s the knot we tied,

The virtual, digital knot with proof on the cloud worth hundreds of megabytes.

American. Irish. Vietnamese. British.

It’s just a tradition, it’s just an event, yet,

why are there so many whispers across nations?

Across culture, across time, across oceans

We cut the cake, we light the candles, we tie the knot and we call ourselves a family.

 

 

 

 

Self-worth and the wedding mentality

Is Your Self-Esteem Tied to Your Wedding? 

I am not alone, and I bet many brides who are planning their weddings, who did plan and will plan their wedding day will go through this chaos of emotion planning their wedding.  Self-worth has been my biggest stress while planning this wedding.  From a bride maid who is absent in all planning process making me feel completely unloved and worthless to the tea ceremony’s invitation with the wrong margin making me feel imperfect, I began to dislike my own wedding before it even happens.  What is going through my head at this point that brought me to hating the one event I have been planning since I was a little girl?  Here are the lies that are coming and taking space in my head:

• You better perform, people come all the way to see this
• If she doesn’t care about this day, what other day will she ever care?
• What are you going to do to show your gratitude? Would that be enough?
• Are you standing up for anything or is your wedding just going to be a show about you? How selfish and wasteful are you?
• What are you going to do with people you could not invite? What are they going to feel?  How could you call yourself a good friend?
• What if you won’t fit in your dress? What are you going to wear?
• Again, what is the point of this day? How are you going to make it worth it for everyone?

Yup, those are a few that come and go quite often the last few months.  Those words tie a giant knot in my gut, and sometimes the words become so entangled inside that no blood would pass through and supply my brain making me unable to think rationally.

Brides and all who are going through this, take a deep breath (make sure you count this breath from 1-5).  I know what you are going through.  Stop stuffing your face with food or the opposite, starving yourself.  Call your lifeline: best friend, sister, fiance, whoever you know would tell you that they are extremely happy for you and to celebrate you.  Think about how in love you are with the one you are marrying, and yes, think about your day as a day when you get to legally and publicly claim this person to be your own forever (in a good way).  Think about all your friends and family being in one place.  If your family can’t all be there, in my case, all of mine will be back home in Vietnam, think about how much you love them.  Lastly but most importantly, have a mentality that SHIT might go down and things might not go as plan.  Set an expectation of being spontaneously creative and fun.  You got this.  Your BFF got this with you.  Your family got this with you.  Your person whom you are marrying got this too.  Everyone is totally capable and totally are excited for you.

Love,

From a bride to another

 

LBTB: The Bells

I can hear wedding bells ringing!!!!!  How exciting it is to get the first RSVP from the wedding invitations?  It is SUPER EXCITING.

It has been less than 6 months, we got engaged, bought a house, moved 2 homes into one,  and planning a wedding.  My fiancé reminded me last night our accomplishment as I went on and on about how stuck I feel and how “gray” I am living in the first ring suburb not knowing any neighbors and feeling stuck with my commitment phobia.  We are!  I often, actually most of the time, forget the accomplishment and focus on the “not yet accomplished” list I have in my own little head.  Marriage is so scary.  Your life is blended with another life.  Your happiness is now not yours any more but shared with another human being.  Your properties are joined.  Everything is 2, not 1.  At the same time, I would choose him any day, everyday of the rest of my life than having to imagine not having him at all.  How did I ever manage living a life to the fullest without this human by my side?  I loved being not married.  I love being independently on my own and exploring the world with just me.  I love sitting at the bars, going to restaurants by myself and decompress.  I guess it’s the strong Vietnamese-war-surviving-woman blood in my gene passed down from my grandmother that gives me that confidence and adventurous nature.  Now, I get to share that with an Irish-red-mustache man of mine.

The knot’s RSVP notification popped up, and it’s like a small electronic current zapping me every time reminding me: it’s happening.  Our wedding day is approaching.  The wedding invitations are out.  We are getting married.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Ông Già

 

OG

5 tháng nữa em lên xe theo chồng. Biết bao nhiêu kỷ niệm em phải đóng kín và khóa chặt. Bao nhiêu kỷ niệm của một thời gian yêu og. Bao nhiêu lần mình được cầm tay, bao nhiêu lần em được ngồi cạnh og, bao nhiêu lần được nhìn nhau chỉ anh với em giữa quán cafe hay quán ăn với biết bao nhiều người lạ, bao nhiều lần đi vòng hết đường này tới quán khác chỉ để không phải về nhà rồi phải nói chia tay. Tất cả em sẽ khóa chặt và bỏ lại trong 1 phòng đầy tiếng cười, đầy nước mắt và đầy tình yêu cho anh. Trước khi em khóa lại ký ức này, mình nghe lại những bài ngày xưa mình cùng biết khi lớn lên ha OG?

 

LBTB: Breakdown

Less than 5 months until the wedding day.  I don’t know how brides before me made it without breaking down to pieces.  What is it about wedding that caused people go deep s*&^%$ crazy?  What is it about wedding that so many people can feel so entitled when none of the sentiment is neither deserved or earned?  I make it now my mission to use this page as a place for brides to share their frustration, their joy, their success, their moments of ARHHHGGGHHH or AHHHHHHH.  Use this page, this blog as a place you can feel that you are not alone, that you are not just going bananas, that you are just being selfish for wanting your big day the way you want it.

Today I decided to turn on all the old music that reminds me of my childhood and all my exes and just began to cry.  Why? I don’t know, I feel like I needed to, so I did.  When emotion is high, and there is nowhere you start, you start with whatever you need to just cry it out.  Silly as it sounds, it always help.  Crying has always been the most effective method for me.  Prior to turning on my nostalgic playlist and writing this blog, I attempted to press down all the wedding anxiety and unfinished, imperfect to-do-list with a giant steak followed by halo top ice cream that tasted like chocolate chalk and a warm glass of milk.  To each his own, don’t judge.  Actually, do, I don’t really care.  At this point, I’m a bride filled with so many emotions and I know I’m not alone nor crazy.

What is it about your wedding that makes you cry out of deep excitement and joy?  What is it that makes you scream silently while clenching your fists without turning into a walking lion?  Whatever it is, you are not alone!

Here’s my playlist just in case.  It’s the list of all the top Vietnamese pop song when I was growing up and learning to understand what it means to be a girl and to have crushes.  Enjoy!

Ngày đám cưới là ngày mà cô gái nào từ lúc nhỏ đã nghĩ tới và mơ ít nhất 100, 1000 lần. Ngày cưới là ngày cô gái trở thành phụ nữ theo cách nhìn của các phụ nữ Việt Nam. Ngày cưới là ngày hạnh phúc nhưng cũng mang theo bao nỗi đau. Sinh ra ở Việt Nam tôi luôn nghĩ tôi sẽ sống với mẹ tôi tới ngày cưới và sẽ theo chồng ngày cưới. Thế nhưng tôi ra đi gia đình khi mình mới 14 tuổi, ngày tôi bước chân lên máy bay là ngày tôi bỏ lại giấc mơ ngày cưới Việt Nam. 16 năm đã qua và 5 tháng nữa tôi sẽ cưới chồng nơi quê người, trên 1 mảnh đất tôi không sinh ra nhưng lớn lên và trưởng thành một cô gái nửa Việt nửa không. 1 nửa tôi ước ao có được một lễ cưới theo phong tục Việt Nam có gia đình, cô chú, hàng xóm đông đúc ngay trước nhà thơm phức mùi nhang lên tới bàn thờ ông bà. 16 năm xa gia đình và đất nước, tới bây giờ tôi mới thấm thía sự chia cắt trong chính bản thân. Một cảm giác chia ly, 1 nửa mất mác, cái cảm giác biết bao nhiêu người Việt trên toàn thế giới phải trải qua khi sống xa quê.  Thôi các bạn, các cô, các bác, đây là các bài hát chứa những kỉ niệm đẹp nhất của mình trong 14 năm lớn lên ở Việt Nam. Mời mọi người thưởng thức.

LBTB: Mirror on the wall

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”  My love told me when I overstuffed myself with pork chops, Vietnamese pancakes and beet soup made by my sister for dinner.  No matter how unladylike and disgusted I feel, he would look at me with the same look as when we first met.  When I am bloated a week before my period starts, and even the saving grace yoga pants would make me look like a walking sausage, my friends would tell me I have no fat to loose.  Yet, I still believe in that cloud above my head, and when I don’t want to believe, the cloud would make me pinch my stomach to feel a roll of fat, or it would make me lie on my side to see the fat all sagging on the side.  That damn cloud knows exactly how to take me down.

Luckily, there are sunny days like today where the cloud is nowhere to be found.  On a sunny day, I would start with my Amazon’s playlist of loud and amazing Latin music.  I would walk to my closet and grab a long flowy dress with no fear of my short legs and torso.  I would put on my make up and put my hair in a messy bun.  I would look at myself in the mirror, and I would say to myself, “Damn, you are hot.”  Sunny days are great days.  Yet, the danger of sunny days is that sometimes there is a mist in the air.  The goal is not to let the mist get you.  The midst came in to my closet today and whispered in my ears “take a picture and post it on Instagram, if noone sees you and acknowledge your hotness, that means this never happens.”  Then I would look in the mirror and began to negotiate.  Should I let others tell me how I look, or should I just keep on feeling incredible and not having to share?  How did the beautiful women generations before me do it without the internet and social media to show all of their sunny days?

Today, I slapped that stupid midst and made it disappeared.  No one, meaning me, care if anyone sees that I’m beautiful.  No one, me, needs to record the beautiful moments in case when I am old and saggy and I would be able to look back and remember how beautiful I was.  No one, me, needs confirmation from anyone but my own eyes, the eyes of the beholder.

When I read this journal entry in the future, I bet I would laugh and would think to myself how silly I was to even have to face so many challenge just to realize how acceptable I am to myself.  Yet, today, it feels real.  Unfortunately, I also know so many women who carry the cloud and the midst with them more often than they should.  I want you all to know, you are not alone, you are not stupid, you are not weak for having a cloud and a midst.  The trick to get sunny days is to know you have the sun within yourself.  That is the hard part.  Once you carry the sun in your heart, no cloud or midst can exist.  How I found my sun is by surrounding myself with the beholders whose eyes always see me as beautiful, smart, crazy, fun, and everything else wonderful.  One of those eyes also belong to me.

To all the brides who are now at the stage of prepping for their wedding day: selecting make up artists, wedding hair salons, wedding dress shopping.  Remember you are beautiful, and no matter what cloud or midst appear during this process, remember whose eyes are watching you on your wedding day.  He/She is going to truly see you as the most beautiful person in that room. Period.  Be kind to yourself and harness the power of the sun.

Labyrinth of a Bride to Be: Believe

I asked for a love that would move mountain, a love that would be so powerful one touch would heal and bring life back.  I asked for a love that’s mine and mine alone, never to have to fear nor be feared.  He answered.  A love that unrecognizable, unconventional yet desired by all, a love that covers and stands the test of time.  Yet, I still can’t believe.  Deep in my heart, I can’t accept it.

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” Tim Keller

“I can’t do that either, I have to meet V at …. after class to clean.”  You said.

The entire day you have know this, the entire time you have been communicating this with V, and yet, not a word to me.  “Honey, would you let me know next time if you are going to spend alone with a woman?” I asked.  “You have nothing to worry about” You answered and with one look, I saw how little you thought I was.  With one sigh, I can feel your uneasiness to such a request.  With one such announcement, I go back to the places where darkness took over my life and took control of it for the longest of time.  Have I not learned to see the signs?  T, what are you doing? Have you not been smart enough to choose a man who would later walk away from you after telling you that you were never enough?  Have you not learned? Why are you marrying this man?

Baby, have you not known your fiancé, though tough and poised, is just a little girl  inside who has been abandoned, hurt, used, abused, harassed and trampled on multiple times by men whom she loved?  Have you not known that your love poses such threat to her core as a wise and experienced girl?  Have you not realized pure love with no conditions and no threats nor no expectation of payback is 95% unbelievable to her most of the time?  Yet, you chose to marry me?

There is something about love that I can never decipher.  Is it because it’s something I can’t hold or secure with some types of insurance in case of loss or damage that I fear so much? Is because I am so afraid I am not good enough to receive it? Could it be that I am not the girl I make myself to become?  Or is it just the simple fact that it disregards who I am and what I have done and chose me anyways.  It is not about me nor my works but it’s it’s choice and nothing I do matters.  All I have to do is believe.  Yet, I can’t believe.

Here you are, here’s the ring still on my finger.  Will I believe?

Labyrinth of a Bride to Be: Genesis

December 13th, he got down on one knees and asked me to marry him.

December 14th, I was full blown wedding shopping and already picked a date.

December 15th, I picked out my bridesmaids.

December 18th, I already calculated my own budget for the wedding.

December 22, I had my first venue appointment.

December 29th, photographer and videographer meeting.

January 9th, I went to my acupuncturist after work.  I called my photographer to tell her my decision.  I went to my group’s study and asked for prayers for this next step of my life.

January 11th, news of our nephew who decided last minute to head down Florida for college surfaced on my facebook newsfeed.  I went to check out a pasty shop whose owners were immigrants from Mexico, and I ordered 2 of each of the pastries.   I came to my sister’s house with one box of the pastries and told her that the wedding is now delayed to further notice.

The night he proposed, I was shocked and completely smitten.  It was an incredibly intimate yet intimidating proposal where you are asked in front of many people, all the attention is on you, yet for once in your life, you freeze.  It’s not like I had not imagined and dreamed about my proposal day since the moment I realized I loved him.  It’s not like I already had my dream wedding planned since I was just a little girl, and have been updating the wedding plan for years and years.  Yet, when the moment happened, the moment I anticipated, dreamed of, planned for, happened, I froze.  There was no tears however.  In all of my dreams of my proposal, I cried.  “Did you cry?” my best friend and my sisters all asked the same question.  “No, I didn’t.”  Was it because he didn’t do a good job? Was the ring not at all what I wanted? Was it that he might not be the one?  No.  Those were not the right questions to ask.  The answer was: I didn’t believe it was happening.  Right after the proposal, I went full high turbo speed with the wedding planning.  Not until 4 weeks later in the middle of eating left over cookies from the Holidays that I realized, I am engaged.  The ring is on my finger, sparkling in all directions.  I cried then, all by myself in my own living room, reliving the moment the man I love asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.  Tears fall un-instructively.  I am about to become a bride, a wife.

A wedding date.  Who thought that such a day would become so special that it would take a whole childhood of dreaming, a whole youth of secretly desiring and years of adulthood searching for the right man to be at the alter.  This is my journey of planning a wedding and figuring out a joined life with someone so similar yet so different.  What a monumental time to be.

 

 

To all girls/women who were told “you would never….”

The first thing I reached for this morning was my phone. “What happened in the world while I was sleeping?” I wanted to know how the market is responding with all the trade war talks, and how that would impact my little world as a recent first time home owner. Since the day I bought my house, new worries and fears began to creep in. What if I lose my job? What if a tree fall on my roof? Why in the world did I make such a huge investment decision? …… As a girl I yearned to be an adult. Now, as an adult I just wanted to crawl back into my little room. Unfortunately, fears, worries, concerns grow as we grow.  Fortunately, as we encounter events unexpectedly or unexpectedly, we learned and hopefully become wiser.

When I was a little girl, I used to be teased because of my dark skin and abnormal curly hair as an Asian girl. To my culture, being white is beautiful.  Straight dark black hair is a sign of domestication which is viewed as a good thing. Many times, too many times, I would be called names associated with dark skin characters in movies or animals. I was told no one would “dare” to marry me with the way I looked and acted. I wanted to be an engineered, a whale rescuer, an electrician, etc. I was a dreamer, that’s a fact, but none of my dreams fitted what a girl was supposed to grow up to be in my culture and home town. Then I grew up, moved away from home and began my impossible life, the one I would never had, based on what I was told. I started to date. No matter how many times I heard the word “you are beautiful,” I didn’t believe it. I realized that all along, I, my own person, told myself I wasn’t good enough, and that I would never be beautiful. It was easier when people told me I would never be X, Y, Z because that just became a challenge. However, when the person to tell me that I wasn’t good enough was me, I got stuck in that belief. Painfully, when one believed that she wasn’t good enough, one of the consequences was an abusive relationship. I was told I wasn’t enough, and that no one else would loved me by a man who proposed to me. Yet, I stayed in that relationship because not only did he believe that, I believed it myself. Who could ever loved a girl that was tainted as a child? How could I be beautiful and respected when I couldn’t even be strong enough to stop a man from sexually abusing me? Deep in the dark corner of my heart, I believed I wasn’t good enough.

It took a village and a whole lot of smashing down the wall of lies to get me out of the world of “you would never…” But I am on the other side now. It is possible, and quite frankly, it is the reality that I am enough and more.  So for all the girls, women out there still listening to the lies, either coming from others or yourself, you are not alone.  You are not weak because you listened.  You are not stupid because you believed the lies.  You are smart because you know they are all wrong.  You are strong because you are still hoping for a better world for yourself. You are courageous because you WILL escape the lies and WILL be free.  And for all girls/women who are on the other side of that wall, reach out to those you know who need to hear the truth about their beauty, their strength, their future.  I am proud of what I have become. I am thankful for the women who reached out and pulled me out of the web of lies.  I hope and pray I get to see ALL girls and women standing strong and proud on this side with me.

Love,

Your sister, friend, stranger who believes in you

Hiking the Appalachian Trail: Alone?

Yes, ladies, it is time.  This H1B visa, non immigrant “foreign alien” Asian 115 pounds chick is going to follow the footsteps of other brave women before me to hike the Appalachian trail.

Step 1: Establish purpose statement

I am doing this because I want to.  Yup, easy enough.  So much of our lives is based on what we think we should do, what we have to do or what we think others expect us to do.  Recently, I realized that my life was meant for more than my own thought.  God created me in His image, died for me so I can be free.  My only goal is to glorify Him through my oh so imperfect self.

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10

Step 2: Plan it out

• Research: since I can’t take a whole month off work, i’ll be hiking for 8 days, I will pick out the section/sections that would fit best.  There is so much on the net to prep for this.  Here are a few links I am looking at:

http://wilderness.org/no-time-hike-appalachian-trail-try-these-12-easy-section-hikes

https://www.greenbelly.co/pages/how-to-complete-guide-to-thru-hike-the-appalachian-trail

http://www.appalachiantrail.org/home/explore-the-trail/hiking-basics/safety

http://www.backpacker.com/skills/7-tips-from-female-solo-hikers

https://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/archive/index.php/t-23379.html

http://appalachiantrailgirl.com/

• Shopping: and there’s that http://www.backpacker.com/trips/appalachian-trail-thru-hike-gear-list
• Training: work out is not my favorite past time activities, but I am committed!
• Saving for plane tickets and other expenses

Step 3: Commit

• The only way I know I won’t back out is if I announce this to my friends and family to keep me accountable and keep me encouraged!

That’s it!  Feel free to give me more resources and encouragement :>