I never knew what it meant to have a parent. My mother raised 3 kids on her own. Naturally, that equated to no time for loving, just more time for work so she could put food on the table.
I grew up with my grandmother who also single handedly raised her daughter. My grandfather was killed in the Vietnam war when my mother was only 3 years old. My grandmother never remarried again. Grandpa was the love of her life, and no man could ever come close to being him.
My mother grew up with this love story. She followed her heart in search of that amazing and great love that my grandmother had. Then she met my dad, against everyone’s advice, my mom married a womanizer who also turned out to be a cheater, liar and physical abuser.
Now, we have 2 generations of females growing up with no father figures. My mother who never knew what it meant to have a father, and I have no idea what it means to not have the love of my life walk out on me.
The lies I kept telling myself: they all leave, you could have done something to keep them, you were not good enough. Those are all lies. Yet, I faithfully believe in them day by day. The lies sneaked into the back corner of my brain, hid inside my veins and buried themselves under my skin.
The whole time, I forgot to realize that this world is a fallen world. My father walked out on me when I was 4. There was nothing I could do to stop him. He had a choice to stay. Everyone in our family wanted him to stay, and he chose not to. My mother remarried, my step dad never left, he stayed. So they don’t all leave, and I am good enough.
There will be more men that I will encounter in this life. There will be men who will leave, but there will be men who will stay. There will be men who will look at me as an object of their fantasy, and there will be men who will respect me because I am created in the image of God just like them. There will be men who will cheat, but there will be men who will resist the temptations. There will be pain, but there will also be love. There will be lies, but the truth remains: I am strong, I am valuable, and I am worth it.