When you try to numb yourself from feeling, you wish you could also numb yourself from thinking. When the heart is disable, the mind starts working. When the mind gets to work, thorns begin to grow and wrap themselves around the heart. Your mind tell you: I build this wall to protect you. Yet, the consequence is the opposite. Thorns are sharp, they keep intruders outside while slowly prick the precious cargo they promise to protect inside. In the stream of emotional confusion, the sharp annoying pain seems to be so much better than something else you can’t predict, outside of that prickly wall.
The question you still have not found the courage to answer is: would you rather free yourself from a heart bleeding to death and face the unimaginably unpredictable giant OR would you endure the tough love from the thorns so you would not be eaten alive by the giant made up of unforgivable sins.
When a decision can’t be made, I usually flip a coin. It’s surprising how the moment the coin is flipped, you know immediately what you want in the first place. Head for yes, tail for no. I flipped the coin, and tail appeared. Not a second was wasted to continue flipping it until I a head surfaces. This whole time, I wanted a yes, I just did not have enough reasons to justify my yes. Note to you and note to self, most of the time, there is no reasons or logic for your heart.
Jeremiah 17: 9The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 10“I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.”
The heart is deceitful. It changes, it compares options, it weighs promises we made based on what it feels at the moment. Can we really trust the heart? Bad news is: no. Good news: God will guide our hearts.
Proverbs 21: 1In the Lord’s hand the king’s heart is a stream of water that he channels toward all who please him. 2A person may think their own ways are right, but the Lord weighs the heart. 3To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice. 4Haughty eyes and a proud heart—the unplowed field of the wicked—produce sin.
Thank God, literally, for rerouting the heart. “A person may think their own ways are right.” We always have reasons for our actions, regardless of their nature. I had a reason to want my coin to land with a head, regardless of what everyone around me said. “But the Lord weighs the heart.” As long as the Lord weights my heart, as long as he has my heart in his almighty hands, no matter how far away from the right path I wander, He will lead me back on track because he promised:
Isaiah 40:29-31 He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.