Dude, you gotta learn how to be with yourself

That’s what a dear friend of me told me after 1 week of my breakup with my 2 year boyfriend.  “Dude, you gotta learn how to be with yourself first, then you can go on dates.”  Something in my stomach turned when she said that.  I wanted to attack back, but then my therapist voice inside me held me back.  She only meant it in a loving way.  Ya, damn, but it hurts. It’s so true, but it hurts and so…… humiliating.  But, what part of it is humiliating?

So, day 1 of learning how to be with myself and stop listening to lies I tell myself.

4:58 am I woke up, reached for my phone to see if my 1 week old ex texted me yet.  I put his messages on “do not disturb,” yet I still check.  Why? It’s the pride, it’s the “your work is not done yet” lie that I told myself.  I am not his mother, his life is a mess not because of me and it will not “get worse” because I left.  Sometimes I wonder why God makes us women this way.  We worry about everything even things we can’t control and yet we tell ourselves it’s our jobs.  Our JOBS.  What? Jeez, how stupid am I to actually believing in this lie?  If someone were to told me, ” you know what, I can’t leave him because I’m afraid he’s just going to go back to his old ways and start doing all that sh%#$# again.”  I would probably dream about slapping that person across the face but would calmly and firmly tell them to stop being so stupid.  It’s not your job, its not my job, it’s nobody’s job to fix anyone unless you are willing to adopt a grown ass man-child.  So, first step, STOP LISTENING/BELIEVING TO LIES you tell yourself.  If you even have a tiny doubt that it’s not right, then it’s not right.

So, after 35 minutes of reminding myself of this fact, I went back to bed.  I woke up at 7:30 am, brushed my teeth, grabbed my breakfast and ran to the car.  I got into my car, immediately turned on K-love to block myself from any more lies since my brain is now active and conscious.  I spent a few minutes talking to the man upstairs and ask him for strength and wisdom for the day.  I went to work, came back home for dinner.  That’s another hard time, going home to an empty home.  Making dinner for myself?  Drinking my own wine by myself?  How pathetic.  Can you believe that? Those are the things that I came up with in my own head to say about myself. What is wrong with me?  To shut that down, I turned up my reggaeton music on Pandora to the max and started to dance.  Oh, now, wine sounds like a good idea.  Ooooh, I’m hungry.  Let’s make some food.  Ha! and that was how I beat the stupidity out of my head! BAM!

7:19 pm…. what to do now?  Should I call up that friend of mine who’s single to go out and grab a drink?  Why not?  Well, you just broke up, what if he (the ex) sees that? What if he decides to drive by your house today?  Ummmmmm and….? So yes, I’m going to call up my friend to go for a drink that I need to a place I want to go in an outfit I want to wear.  That is ok.  How did I survive alone and thrive before this 2 year relationship?  I remember I had lots of fun, lots of friends and loads of self control.  Why do I doubt myself now?  F%$# that, I havn’t changed.

So, I’m going to change now, brush my teeth, do my hair, put on make up and that cute outfit to go out in a town I used to love and had so much fun.  Watch out night, the lady is out!

 

 

 

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