You promised…..

When you try to numb yourself from feeling, you wish you could also numb yourself from thinking.  When the heart is disable, the mind starts working.  When the mind gets to work, thorns begin to grow and wrap themselves around the heart.  Your mind tell you: I build this wall to protect you.  Yet, the consequence is the opposite.  Thorns are sharp, they keep intruders outside while slowly prick the precious cargo they promise to protect inside.  In the stream of emotional confusion, the sharp annoying pain seems to be so much better than something else you can’t predict, outside of that prickly wall.

The question you still have not found the courage to answer is: would you rather free yourself from a heart bleeding to death and face the unimaginably unpredictable giant OR would you endure the tough love from the thorns so you would not be eaten alive by the giant made up of unforgivable sins.

When a decision can’t be made, I usually flip a coin.  It’s surprising how the moment the coin is flipped, you know immediately what you want in the first place.   Head for yes, tail for no.  I flipped the coin, and tail appeared.  Not a second was wasted to continue flipping it until I a head surfaces.  This whole time, I wanted a yes, I just did not have enough reasons to justify my yes.  Note to you and note to self, most of the time, there is no reasons or logic for your heart. 

Jeremiah 17: 9The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 10“I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.”

The heart is deceitful.  It changes, it compares options, it weighs promises we made based on what it feels at the moment.  Can we really trust the heart? Bad news is: no.  Good news: God will guide our hearts.

Proverbs 21: 1In the Lord’s hand the king’s heart is a stream of water that he channels toward all who please him. 2A person may think their own ways are right, but the Lord weighs the heart. 3To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice. 4Haughty eyes and a proud heart—the unplowed field of the wicked—produce sin.

Thank God, literally, for rerouting the heart. “A person may think their own ways are right.”  We always have reasons for our actions, regardless of their nature.  I had a reason to want my coin to land with a head, regardless of what everyone around me said.  “But the Lord weighs the heart.”  As long as the Lord weights my heart, as long as he has my heart in his almighty hands, no matter how far away from the right path I wander, He will lead me back on track because he promised:

Isaiah 40:29-31 He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

Father, give me strength so I can love without judgement. Give me faith to let go and trust that he is in your hands…..

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” -Jeremiah 29:11-13

Lies we tell ourselves as young women looking for love in a fallen world

I never knew what it meant to have a parent.  My mother raised 3 kids on her own.  Naturally, that equated to no time for loving, just more time for work so she could put food on the table. 

I grew up with my grandmother who also single handedly raised her daughter.  My grandfather was killed in the Vietnam war when my mother was only 3 years old.  My grandmother never remarried again.  Grandpa was the love of her life, and no man could ever come close to being him.  

My mother grew up with this love story.  She followed her heart in search of that amazing and great love that my grandmother had.  Then she met my dad, against everyone’s advice, my mom married a womanizer who also turned out to be a cheater, liar and physical abuser.  

Now, we have 2 generations of females growing up with no father figures.  My mother  who never  knew what it meant to have a father, and I have no idea what it means to not have the love of my life walk out on me. 

The lies I kept telling myself: they all leave, you could have done something to keep them, you were not good enough.  Those are all lies.  Yet, I faithfully believe in them day by day.  The lies sneaked into the back corner of my brain, hid inside my veins and buried themselves  under my skin.  

The whole time, I forgot to realize that this world is a fallen world.  My father walked out on me when I was 4.  There was nothing I could do to stop him.  He had a choice to stay.  Everyone in our family wanted him to stay, and he chose not to.  My mother remarried, my step dad never left, he stayed.  So they don’t all leave, and I am good enough. 

There will be more men that I will encounter in this life.  There will be men who will leave, but there will be men who will stay.  There will be men who will look at me as an object of their fantasy, and there will be men who will respect me because I am created in the image of God just like them.  There will be men who will cheat, but there will be men who will resist the temptations.  There will be pain, but there will also be love.  There will be lies, but the truth remains: I am strong, I am valuable, and I am worth it. 

Prayers

I woke up this morning, 6:24 am.  I looked at my phone and thought “6 more minutes.”   I closed my eyes again.

I woke up again at 7:23 am.  “7 more minutes” I said to myself.  Then all of the sudden a guilty feeling started to creep in.  I promised myself to pray every morning to God, the one I so wanted to love with all my heart and mind.  Yet, not even God or the love for Him could make me stay up.  “7 more minutes that is, and then I’ll pray.”

Third time I woke up.  8:07 am.  Well, “3 minutes of prayers”, then I have to get ready for work.  So I did.  I sat my sleepy body up, put my hands together and placed them right on my forehead.  Then, flopped.  My head hit the blanket in front of me, and magically my head landed on the pillow on my lap.

In the end, there was no time for prayers this morning.  I turned on “Laura Story” on my spotify playlist.  And my heart started to melt.  Love is such a powerful thing.  Even when I don’t love him, my God has never let me go.  Even when I would rather spend minutes sleeping than talking to him, He was still patiently waiting for me.  Even when I stop talking to him and asking him for his help because I think I can make it on my own, He is always there by my side, just waiting for me.

So, what are prayers?  It is not a check list that I failed to do or a wish list of things I want my heavenly Father to give me.  It is the connection I have with the man who loves the most.  It is missing him when I don’t pray.  It is feeling loved when I do.  To me, prayers are like Father Daughter day out.  I get to spend time with my Father and feel completely safe in His protection and unconditional love.  He gets to hear about my days, my frustration, my fears and my wishes.

Prayers, in that sense, are all I need to face whatever comes my way.  No matter what I do, where I go, my Father is always there for me.